“Am I Gay?” Self Examination for Men

Work was incredibly quiet today, so I was sent home early. As I’m sitting here, I realise I have two choices. First, I could spend this unexpected afternoon crafting up an incredibly original and interesting post for your enjoyment. Or, secondly, I could go and drink beer in the sun.

So without further ado, enjoy this hystierical list that I did not create, but rather stole straight from a chain email.

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay — it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog… “Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!” Now think about how you call a cat…”Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!” Jeeezus, you’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates wherever he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will never be heard ordering a “Decaf Soy Latte”. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there, too. (Ok, couldn’t resist one little addition - apparently, it could be the soy that is actually making the people gay!. How weird.)

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a “fressier” is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the
verge of being a fudgepacker. (Told you it was from my email box.)

November 19, 2007 | Filed Under Humour

Comments

5 Responses to ““Am I Gay?” Self Examination for Men”

Some Go Softly on November 20th, 2007 4:38 pm

Ass pass? I hope you enjoyed your beer.
Paul B. on November 20th, 2007 8:19 pm

The cat and the Soy Latte did it for me.. I mean what kind of guy would seriously own a cat? Oh.. I guess that already answered itself.
Ben on November 20th, 2007 8:43 pm

Whoever wrote that list is surely a comical genius. Yet he raises valid points.

Killer! Get the FUCK back over here!
Romi on November 21st, 2007 2:45 pm

I found two favourite new terms from list:

“faggadocious” and “fudgepacker”…oh, and “ass-pass”…hehe
yojoe on January 15th, 2008 4:54 pm

What about Missile Pops?